It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Coffee for people with no kids
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Risking my life for fun.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”