I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
You Might Also Like
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Woke up against my better judgment again
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Our lord and savoury.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”