75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao