Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
is this how new cars are made??
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂