My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️