i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.