“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Who does Amazon think I am?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY