*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’m giving up for Lent.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
What an awful time to have common sense.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
🖤✌🏽
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*