airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Sing it!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.