This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
That’s classic.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”