definitely did not do anything wrong
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Look at this
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
We decided to have money instead of children.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again