“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You Might Also Like
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
This makes total sense…
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!