The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Lmfaoooooo
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.