You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray