Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.