Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
She: I like Cats
He:
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!