[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.