It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them