I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.