Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.