dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now