God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Why am I like this?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
thank god
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.