[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.