Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My birth announcement for our third baby
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books