Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.