If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
oh my gosh!!
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.