Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids