One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage