An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Put a ring on it
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
what it’s like dating me:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.