I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You Might Also Like
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.