Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The pasta is now
the worm is coming from inside the brain
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
best first i’ve ever seen
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..