Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
when nothing goes right… go left
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!