WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.