Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?