[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.