I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Seems legit
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH