Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
me as a parent
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.