“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set