Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I see your IQ test came back negative
Sharon, call the vet
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?