ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Everyone’s family
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10