The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Cat is stressing him out.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”