Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
everyone’s a critic
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”