I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Don’t touch that.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.