A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Yup.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.