In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.