everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Meow
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Breakfast for Stoners:
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.