Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
@ candidates for local office
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.