How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho