Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I identify as an antique shop.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My spirit animal is fried chicken
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜