[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
This forever.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*